A Typical Sunday: Hit By a Car, Pina Coladas, & Hard Work Paying Off

     Sundays are easily my favorite day of the week. Most of the time it's just my friends and I getting into drunk shenanigans at the pool, followed by impromptu house parties with activities deemed morally questionable in most civilized countries. Fuck civilization, however. No personal metamorphosis has started without muttering that sentiment under your breath as you roll out of bed Monday morning and walk into your shitty job that you still go to because you like food, shelter, and getting day drunk on Sundays.
   I just wanted a normal Sunday at the pool, but the Universe is like that asshole friend that picks you up from your house. As soon as you try to grab the handle to the Universe's car, he taps the gas pedal and laughs like a dick as you stand there, wondering why you still hang out with the Universe at all. But later that night you get wasted and the Universe drives you home, carries you up the stairs and tucks you into bed and the next day you're like, "The Universe isn't such a bad guy".
   ANYWAY, Sunday can also be a day of firsts. One Sunday was particularly fun and full of firsts for me:

1. First time getting hit by a car
     This is one of those weird instances where life imitates art. One of the first stand-up bits I ever wrote was about getting hit while biking in midtown Gainesville (a veritable cesspool of entitled bros driving Mustangs and clueless sorority girls on mopeds). This happened while I was riding on the sidewalk on my way back from the store. I was carrying a grocery bag over my shoulder and using one hand to steer. A red truck pulls up way too fast from a side street, looking for an opening to the main road. He's looking the other way and I have no time to get to my brakes. I had just enough time to think, "Wow, this is going to suck" before I collided with him. Luckily I was able to steer slightly in front of him and not directly into oncoming traffic.
   Strangely enough, I wasn't even mad when I felt the truck slam into me. It was just annoying. Adult life is full of bullshit that you don't want to deal with but have to, and traffic accidents are top of the list for most annoying things to deal with. The old guy that got out of the truck looked terrified. "Are you okay?" he asked me tentatively. I could see his black dog in the passenger seat, barking and going nuts, so I made the very zen decision to just let it go. My left knee was busted up and the palm of my hand hurt from where I broke my fall, but other than that I was fine.

2. First time getting drunk exclusively on pina coladas
     Walking around downtown with friends, handing around a water bottle full of homemade pina coladas. That is pretty much the perfect Sunday activity, bar none. And that's all I've got to say about that.

3. First time seeing my name on a festival poster
     While drunk on homemade pina coladas, my friends and I stumbled into an Irish pub to get some beers and play pool. As I walked in, I noticed the poster for The Fest 13, this epic music festival that happens every year in Gainesville. In addition to some of the most righteous rock n' roll, punk, metal, and alternative (for lack of a better word) bands, The Fest is also host to an excellent comedy showcase. This year I was determined to get into the lineup, which I did thanks to an aggressive email campaign wherein every month I was all, "Hey, here's a bunch of links to my stand-up! PLEASE LET ME BE PART OF THIS." It's pretty much the biggest highlight of my comedy career thus far, next to opening for Doug Stanhope back in April.
   As I scanned the poster full of familiar bands like Melvins, Descendents, Circle Takes The Square, and Asshole Parade, my soupy, drunk eyes fell on my name (next to comrades Amy Lawson and AJ Gil). It was the single coolest moment of my entire year, seeing my name on a poster for a festival that has come to represent some of the best nights of my life. It was a nice reminder that those long hours spent in front of a computer screen, obsessively writing and re-writing material, are actually paying off. Is this real life? Indeed, it is.